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i decided to call out of work today so i cld spend some time with marissa and my dogs but she's gotta study for final exams. i never have much to say on this thing. i dunno if rose still gets on this thing but if so i just wanna say hi. drove by the school today and saw the band hehe. you guys are way small...totally dont miss those hot practices. so my 18th is coming up soon and i have noone to invite to hang out with me on it. was hoping to rent a boat and get drunk and shit but...yeah.so if anyone's interested let me know. ok guess that's it...for now.
hey it's been sooooooooooooo long since i've written in here. here's an update on my life. Marissa and i got an apartment together. we now have two dogs, one is our 3 year old chihuahua and our new puppy is about 3 months old. his name is baxter and he is a german shepard mix. We've lived in tha apartment for about six months now. I work at Mcdonald's...(kinda lame) been there for about 5months. i was offered a management position but turned it down because i am going to return to sprayberry so i can graduate. this year away from school has been killing me. well if anyone has read this just say a quick hi so i can see if anyone remembers me..hehe :) Oh yeah...I GOT MY BRACES OFF TODAY!!!!!!!! sorry exciting moment for me
i miss marissa sooooo much! i thought that this wouldnt be so hard just a month but i was so wrong. i just wanna see her and i know that in no way when i return to georgia i can see marissa with permission from the bitch. i just feel so alone without her near me. it hurts to not even remember what it feels like to be touched by her, to be kissed by her, to feel like we're spreading apart. i know everything will work out im just so sad that i can not see her. wellguess that's all i can think about so i might as well just go and leave my thoughts to myself. marissa...I LOVE YOU and was NEVER mad at you. well i love you rose. thanks everyone for being nice. night!
so i feel completely and entirely empty. im losing everything i love...marissa...wont be long before she realizes how much better off she is without me. my mom...i dunno how she can do this to someone she supposedly cares about. im going to jail if i return to georgia. for what? talking to my love? what the hell not like any good is suddenly gonna happen. if i could have anything right now tho it would be to see marissa. i know i sound like my sis with andrew but it's way diff. i dont see marissa every night. hell everytime i do see her it feels like it's been ages. it usually is weeks tho. call me weak but i feel broken. i've def let my mom get the best of me. guess i shouldnt but she's not exactly someting u can ignore. if only marissa could just come and visit....just once i know that life would have meaning. i love the sound of her voice but sometimes i feel i need more.i've forgotten what it feels like to kiss her. sorry ill shut up about that. so...rose: im really sorry about your stupid sister ruining things. she really needs to go live elsewhere.i really hope everything works out good...if living at ur dads is what's best for u then as much as ill miss you, go. my aunt wants to talk to me tonight, i think she wants me to stay down here. i dunno tho. i dunno what to do...im really glad i talked to u today. i feel like im losing my sanity. i mean, everyone that i have left (u and marissa) are gonna ditch me soon anyway. i know u both will bc u'll see how fucked up i am and how much of a psyco ive turned into. well guess ive vented enough and let everyone see what a depressed freak i am. write back dude! i loove ya man!...and marissa if u ever read this I LOVE U WITH LL MY HEART!!!
ROSE!!!! i just know u're gonna be the first to read this. anywho...guess im really screwing up everything 4 myself. im skipping too much..prolly failing my main classes...can't do anything right at home. oh well life will go on. im seriously contemplating dropping out.it's really not what i want but i suck at school-actually, i just hate it so much. i just want to do what im somewhat good at but...yeah. rose we need to get some dinero so we can get an apartment. well, im getting one over the summer so..whenever u want pack ur shit and u can live off of me for awhile. hehe. alyssa would be there too...not andrew though definitely not andrew. well the bitch has politely suggested i get off *sarcasim*. bye. rose i love you!!! oh and u too Katie!!! neil...i'll pinch u i wont even think twice.
so it's been a long time since ive updated this. oh well im a slacker. im feeling kinda shitty bc of a lot of things but oh well. im not gonna bitch about shit bc that's not what a live journal should just be for...right? maybe not. my friend thinks it's for emo kids. well...im finally gonna play lacrosse im excited. i havent been this excited to play a sport since basketball. not that anyone cares. well im bored with this later!!!! rose or katie call me!!! im bored!
what up dawgs? rose i miss you!!! u haven't responded back and until u do-i will remain sad. hehe. so today was a nothing day. i talked to Marissa on the phone this morning from 1:30-7:30. crazy! i was gonna get up at 7:30 to go running but plans change. i need sleep. lol. i slept til 12 then had breakfast at 12:30. by 1 i was sleeping again. i slept til 5:30. my aunt said she got some good pics of me. GREAT!!! just what i need:people to have ugly pics of me sleeping. oh well. dinner be back!
so i had marissa over x-mas night. didn't think that was going to happen-i was really suprised. My bro came over again that night too which is another rare occurance. he only came over tho bc we had leftovers from x-mas dinner at my aunt's. he wouldn't go bc he doesn't get along with my uncle that well. but he hung out for a bit and met marissa. we watched the ending to home alone then watched the beginning of some weird movie. then, we all kinda migrated to my room. alyssa acts so different when marissa comes over. she acts so weird..it's like she almost wants marissa to think she's weird. idk-she just doesn't act quite like herself. oh well. i know im more mellow when im around marissa tho. guess it's bc i don't want to give her any reason to leave me. lol. im not that weird tho..at least i don't think(no one comment on that) hehe. jk. but i really have no idea what im gonna do when marissa graduates. i don't want things to end and im really afraid she'll eventually forget about me. i should like optimistically but it's hard bc im trying to be realistic. i won't leave her bc for one there's no one id rather be with and i love her, two there just aren't any good guys at sprayberry (not that i'd leave her even if there were any),and three i don't like or think of girls in that way..just her-sounds odd but true. but seriously, i wanna be with her forever. not that any of u guys care im just saying. so sun. we went to rose's for a while and her mom talked about us getting emancipated. she said she'd help get us an attorney then if we actually followed thru with it we could live with her. she said we'd need to help out with the bills and groceries and stuff. no biggie. just gotta get a job. but idk what i should do. should i follow thru with it? im at a loss of what is right at this point. i mean everyone who reads this knows about my cutting. i stopped 3 weeks b4 i went to the hospital and after being there definitely would NEVER doit again. and i haven't had any thoughts of suicide since i've been dating marissa. i mean, rose and all my other friends help me out too but it feels good to actually have someone love you love you. i haven't ever really felt that b4. at least i thought i did up til now. but a couple of days ago i cut again. on my legs so noone can see and i wouldn't have to get sent back but...marissa found out the other night and now i feel like shit. i've not only broken a promise to her but to myself and anyone else. if i don't get away from my mother there's no telling what could happen. my brother wants my sis and i to move in with him when we turn 17 but that's fucking 8 months away and idk if i can wait that long. wow. i didn't really realize how young i was til i said that. im like one of the youngest juniors next to brianna. hehe sorry. so i feel like shit. i feel like i've messed up almost all of marissa friendships with people. im not going to go into details bc it's really noone's business but her owns. but i feel like if it wasn't for me she could have so much more. i feel im almost holding her back. idk. sry that isn't important. as long as she's with me im happy! well there's a lot more to so about tonight and shit but...i'd be complaining too much. nothin but family shit anyway. im much too tired anyway. well..i've said enough. Night!!!
it's christmas! not that im excited. i hate family get togethers but oh well. all i really want to do is go to the movies and be with marissa but i have to have dinner with the familia so... :( it sux but i'll have to live. so my bro got me a velvet guitar strap and a capo for my guitar..now all i need is a better guitar!lol. mine sux(no offense rose). clarify:rose gave a guitar for christmas a year ago! i was so happy...i mean it's a guitar so...im grateful. i called amanda today-which is weird because we haven't really talked in a while but..it was good to have a drama-free conversation. anywho!i know now that i've said something about marissa people are gonna ask so let me save time and tell you. Marissa and i have been dating for a little over a month and we've pretty much keep it on the "DL". mainly to spare any awkwardness. i know a lot of you will look at me differently but i will live...im willing to risk anything to be with her. well...i gotta go spend time with the family. im out!!
ROSE!!! get over it...u're being immature and inconciderate. there is more to life then just being the center of attention. yes u are my best friend but god u need to get over yourself. you are very self centered. i know a lot of people are gonna hate me bc of this but i don't care. u were so rude to alyssa online. she apologized-why i have no idea. u are the one who needs to apologize. alyssa did nothing wrong. she asked if u were mad at her and all u had to say was "stop iming it costs money u know?" you are a fucking bitch! excuse my french but seriously i've had it. we needed support and what do u do?...throw us out on the curb, say shit that isn't true just to get attention. and u know thats what u are doing...i love you to death rose but please realize that what u are doing is not only hurting yourself but two other people. all for a brief moment of attention. try to think about this and don't take it to heart...take it as advice to help out our friendship. please...the only way this is gonna blow over is if u gain the balls to fucking apologize. which it seems to me like u aren't planning on doing. this is prolly what u want-drama! drama so u can get sympathy from all your other friends. *question* u said " i hate people" but if u hate people why even bother trying tohave friends...??? r u not a person...stop being so depressed about everything and try realizing someone out there has it a million times harder than u. that's what im trying to work on bc i know that i have a house,i have food, i get what i want(materialistically-most of the time) when there are people who have shit. not to try to sound like a fucking parent but try thinking about that. u have no idea. i had to sit there and listen to a skinny 12 yr old boy tell us that he wants to kill himself-thoughts of suicide everyday-how he wants to chop his head of and cut himself into pieces. or maybe how he slit his throat and had to get rushed to the hospital. 12 fucking yrs old and he was the cutest boy. he has some much going for him and unfortunately i don't think he'll live-he'll get out and fall back into his old habits. that's someone who really has problems-not someone who cuts themselves bc they want people to know they're hurting. u have to try to be more happy or you're gonna grow up to be so miserable. Then, life will be "pointless" and you will hurt yourself. i want u to live forever, i want you to be happy,i want nothing but the best for you but u just can't come around to see that. u must understand-i love you. take care!